littlegirllover

Ugh. I hate that last night..fucking..somehow..hurt.

I'm reading The Tao of Pooh at the moment, or, I mean, last night I was, and that should've helped me deal. Maybe that's the lesson. We did not really have a set plan to talk, anyways (all I'd said was that I was gonna wait for her), so I don't suppose I could consider myself bumped.

And I am positive it only just feels that way, anyway.

I must prepare myself, as I am, like, all but positive (somehow, 'cause of the whole "universe must teach its lessons" thing) I will be bumped by the same person so far as our semi-plan to meet this weekend.

Mkay.

Lol, I am trying to figure out if I should mention any of this to her.

It's great it's not jealousy, anyway, so that is way cool. I'm thinking that might be one of the lessons. If she and him were not just friends, though, and intimate, I cannot imagine jealousy would not be a part. Totally cannot. I can only be so noble.

Reasons to mention it:
1. Because it is?
2. Because it would be easier to mention it, than to just shut the fuck up about it?
3. Because if I don't mention it, and act as if it did not matter at all, it would be a form of lying, or playing charades, or be, in my head only, an elephant in the room?
4. Because the "next time" it will be even harder to deal?

Reasons not to mention it:
1. Circumstances were out of her control (though in my head, I say, "not really."), and we definitely did not have a set plan to talk, or anything more, anyway?
2. Because I will look like an idiot.
3. Because it comes with the territory, and I ought take whatever territory I can.
4. Because I ought to train myself to deal, and be good, and noble, and not any kind of jailer.

K. I'll just do my best. I'm glad she doesn't have internet service at the moment. I guess the best I can do is not count on anything, but go ahead and count a little more on that which is actually planned.

After all, less than two weeks ago, I was completely at the mercy of existing circumstances. But, then again, that was precisely what kept me protecting myself by not falling too hard for what I could not change, or for whom it seemed I could not have.

I had assumed conversation (and more) last evening, though - that is where things fail: upon that assumption. Gonna have to watch that assumption stuff, tough.

Alrighty, writing this did not really help me that muchly, but at least I have made a record of it.